Saturday, November 1, 2008

Advice for the Pre-Orgasmic

Problems with orgasms is one of the most frequent sexual problems in women. I've been there (and am there), and know how much it sucks. So here's an advice piece I hope some of you can find some use and help in.

so, i have a girlfriend who is a virgin. and every time we are intimate, i always get her to the brink of orgasming, however, she doesnt know how to let go of her self. she says that she feels like she has to pee quite often, and she gets really wet down there, and she pants, moans etc...all the signs of her almost having an orgasm...but she doesnt know how to let go of her self.

we've been together for about 8 months now, and active for about 6 months now, and i've only been able to give her 3 orgasms, and once was while our session ended, she hit an orgasm while she was peeing...:S and the other time i was just kissing her, and not even near her a fluke on my end?

i'm guessing that she has to pee, or pretend she has to in order to orgasm, but i dont know. and shes a bit more clueless about her body than i am. she wouldnt dare masturbate to explore her self, so i dont know...

so my question is primarily for women, what do you(you as in you personally) have to do in order to climax? sure, clear your mind, relax, breath deep, enjoy the feeling...then what?

and she also complains about cramps afterwards, and according to my research, women getting cramps afterwards being intimate(and without an orgasm) is the female version of 'blue-ball'. and in the long run, can end up dangerous due to leading to cervical cancer and other weird things...

so, please? i really want my girlfriend to orgasm, but i dont know what to do...and sex isnt really an option for me.

Hi there.
I spent a long time not being able to orgasm, and I've worked really hard to get where I am now, and I still can't do it often. Definitely try what has been recommended. Communication and fantasies are very important to bring out a persons sexuality. But beyond that, here's what I'd recommend, as far as what I've learned.

First off, let her know it would be okay to pee. Not pleasant, of course, unless you're into that, but acceptable. Now, it might not actually be urine, because some women do actually ejaculate. I'm one of them, and it's only occasionally urine, but that does happen sometime.. I'm not going to tell you it's not pee, because you guys would know best, but be aware that it might not always be. But either way, make sure she knows it's okay to let it out. The sensation that comes with orgasming can make you feel like your going to piss all over the place, and it keeps you from letting your muscles release, which might be one of her problems. Just because she feels like she will doesn't mean she's going to, and vice-versa. Urine's sterile anyway, and it's not impossible to clean up, so if nothing else, lay down a towel or plastic mat/sheet, and tell her to go for it (as long as it's not your mouth down there ^^').

Second, have her look up Kegel stretches. It's a type of exercise for the muscles around the vagina. Doing them daily increases your vaginal strength and sometimes your ability to orgasm. Plus I've found, quite recently, that when I'm working towards an orgasm, a few well placed (or one continuous) Kegel squeeze can bring it all together and push me over the edge. So it might be worth her giving it a try. It just takes practice.

Third, how about trying some hardware?
I tend to recommend long term couples with orgasmic problems to look for a toy to help them get where they're going. Something small and gentle, and probably made for the clitoris, since a lot of first time orgasms come from there. Try shopping together at your local adult novelty store such as Adam & Eve, Priscillas, etc (if you're over 18 and can get in). Or check out online stores like Also, condom company Durex has come out with some simple (sometimes disposable) vibrators that you can occasionally get in the condom/"family planning" aisle of stores like Wal-Mart and drug stores.
Toys aren't a must, but a good, simple vibrator might help push things over the edge and out of the frustrated zone.

But you should also remember that it is (supposedly) rare for young females to really be able to orgasm before certain ages. I spent years trying to get myself to orgasm, and it took a long time to get vibrators to work (and be comfortable for me), and only recently have I managed to orgasm more easily (still only with a vibrator, and in the right position). But make sure she knows that there's more than likely nothing wrong with her, it just takes time, communication, and a bit of work and patience.

Another thing you can try, is some reading material. Have her check out books like The Elusive Orgasm, The Orgasm Bible (the "O Loop" detailed here worked especially well for me a couple times), the Good Orgasm Guide, or even How to Have an Orgasm . . . As Often As You Want, and see if it helps her out.

That's all for now, but no, as far as I know, female "blue balls" doesn't cause any type of cancer or future problems. If it did, I'd be pretty fucked. I used to cramp up all the time after foreplay, thanks to my own problems. I will look into it more though, and get back to you if i find anything saying otherwise.

Good luck and Play Safe!

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