Saturday, March 29, 2008

Sexy Lady (Advice Column #1)

Dear Sin,
hello, im a 21 yr old female with a 41 yr old boyfriend. We just found out that im about 2 months pregnant (yes it was planned). But the main thing i was inquiring about, is to see what you knew about role playing. he likes for me to dress up as in corsets and stilletos(sp?), but what exactly am i suppose to do? im horrible at dancing, im clumsy, and because of my own lack of confidence, i want to hide when i do dress up for him. is there anything you can advise for me to maybe get more into it? its all for him, im fine with just regular foreplay and love making. what would you suggest to make the experience better for he and i both??

Hi A,

My first suggestion to you is to find something, clothing wise, that does make you comfortable.

If stilletos and corsets make you feel exposed, stop by your local adult store (I suggest a well known, clean one like Adam and Eve or Priscilla's) and look through their clothing; especially their lingerie costumes. Don't feel shy while you're there, sex is a part of everyone's life and the people who work there are there to help you have a better sex life; don't hesitate to ask them questions. Look around, see if there's anything that you feel you would look good in. Try something on, take a long look in the mirror and tell yourself what looks good and what doesn't. I'm not saying to be critical of yourself, don't be. This man isn't a stranger, he likes you and your body, otherwise you wouldn't be together. Look at yourself and simply be interested. Ask yourself two things, how do I feel, and how do I really look? Not "What will he think"? Try on different shoes as well, and don't hesitate to try a few things on just because you think he'll like it; those corsets and bustiers. Who knows, you might find you like the way one looks or feels. Try something velvety or silk, If something feels good to the touch, your more likely to feel good in it- just imagine how you'll feel to him; all that soft skin and velvety fabric.

If you know that he is into the more heavy duty corsets, heels, and bustiers, and won't be interested in other kinds of outfits, then try doing this shopping trip together. A lot of couples tend to be shy about visiting adult stores together, but do your best to convince yourself, and each other, that this will be a great experience for you both. You'll get to learn what kinds of things he likes, he gets to watch you try things on, and you even get to hear him praising the outfits he likes. But most of all you get to work together to find something that pleases you both.

Remember though, if you do this, you'll both have to be completely open with each other. If he doesn't like something on you, don't take it personally, it's just not the outfit he's into. If, however, he says something rude and offensive, make sure to let him know that you don't appreciate his negativity. You're doing this for him, he should be appreciative about that.

Next, your "clumsiness" and shyness. Hopefully you will find something you're comfortable in, so being shy won't be too much of a problem. Just remember that he does like your body, he does find you attractive, so there are few things you could ever do to make him suddenly not like you. Remember that and keep yourself from wanting to hide away. You're beautiful, you're sexy, and he wants you already, this will just make that want more enjoyable for both of you.

For your clumsy issue, don't think of it so much as dancing, more as just moving pleasantly. And try practicing.

You don't have to be a class one exotic dancer to turn a man on with your movements. Here are is a technique to try to start you off moving, and to get you more comfortable with dancing.

If you have a full length mirror, great, if not, use the biggest one you have. You can be naked for this, but since you're shy you'll probably want to have some clothes on. I recommend a pair of short sleep or exercise shorts, or tight boy-short underwear, and a sports bra, form-fitting tank top, or a silk sleep shirt. Make sure you're completely comfortable in whatever you're wearing, and that noone is going to disturb you. The last thing you'll need is to be worrying that someone is going to walk in on you or bang on the door.

First, close your eyes and touch your body. Nowhere private, just simple places like your arms, thighs, stomach, hips, and neck. Run the length of your fingers over those parts of yourself, lightly and slowly. Let yourself feel everything fully before moving on to the next place. Next caress your breasts in the same way, then run your hands up through your hair. Kind of like you are going to put your hair up, but instead you're just lifting it up and messing it around a little. Make sure to let your fingernails scrap across your scalp, this should produce a light tingling sensation. Focus on it. Go back to caressing the other parts of your body, and repeat the cycle until you feel completely comfortable in the process. Make sure it feels good too. If it doesn't, try touching other places in your body. Also try using your nails in some places to lightly scrap across your skin. Or try using something like a feather. Make sure your eyes stay closed though, because the point of this part is to become comfortable with yourself and the motions.

If it feels good, and you feel good about it, try doing it again, except this time with your eyes open, concentrating on the mirror. Do all the things that felt good before, but this time watch yourself doing them. Think he won't want to see that? Think again. Men are very, very visual. As long as you're letting your face show that you're feeling good, and making whatever noises the good feelings cause you to want to make, he will enjoy watching you. Keep doing the motions until you're comfortable seeing yourself. If you can't do it on the first try, don't worry about it, just try again another time. This is not only about being able to dance for your boyfriend, it's also about making you comfortable with your body and your motions.

Once you've got that down, try throwing some motions in there. Nothing big, you don't have to stand on one leg and do a cartwheel, just start off swaying your hips. At first just sway your hips, and do nothing else, until you've gotten used to it. Then try doing little dips with your knees. You know, like you see erotic dancers do on movies. It doesn't have to be big, and if it doesn't feel right, just try moving your legs a little. Small side steps, little steps forward and back, swaying your hips all the time. Kind of like a beginner salsa dancer. Once you have a few motions down, and don't stop trying if you don't get it quickly, start caressing yourself again. Your arms, shoulders, neck, hair, lips, breasts, stomach, hips, thighs, butt, and back up again. Slowly, intimately. If it isn't feeling good, try something, or somewhere, else. If you want, you can try this combination with your eyes closed as well, but that isn't too recommended when moving, because it's easy to fall. So just focus of doing things that feel good. Try some light music if you want, something that puts you in the mood to make your body move. If you're going to be wearing stilletos when you dance for him, you will want to practice with them on, definitely, but don't until you've gotten the basic movements and rhythm down.

After you have the basic movements of your hips, legs, and caressing down, try next to do what feels natural. If you feel like rolling your shoulders or slinking down to the floor, or spreading out your legs, touching the floor with your fingertips, looking up with him, and swaying your hips, thus showing off your chest, hips, and legs, go for it. Whatever feels good, feels right, feels natural to come next, go for it. This is your body, you should be moving it however you feel. If you need ideas, try the internet. Searching for Exotic Dancing, or How to Dance Erotically, or even How to Give a Lap Dance (if you think you might like to incorporate some of that in there as well), you can get some interesting and helpful results.
For example, here is a video on the very basic movements of exotic dancing, that might help with your beginning motions.

At some point you may want to touch yourself more sexually. This is the part most people may have trouble getting comfortable with. Try rubbing the inside of your thighs and caressing the area of your clitoris. If you think he'd enjoy watching you masturbate, go for it, but otherwise just caress yourself and do whatever feels good.

When you're ready, try to plan out as much as possible, but leave a good amount of leeway, because sex is like life; nothing ever really goes as planned. Wear the sexy clothes you got, or you picked out together, and make sure he is up for the show. If he's swamped with stress and in a bad mood, its not a good day to give it a shot, so make sure he's up for it. Set the mood however you think is appropriate for him. You know him, what turns him on? Dimmed lights? Incense? Music? Talking dirty? Bed? Floor? Couch? Get the room ready for the both of you. Have him sit down, be comfortable, and have all his attention on you. If you have to leave the room to put on your sexy clothes, or take off whatever's on top of them, don't hesitate to do it, along with looking yourself in the mirror and reminding yourself that you are sexy and that you'll do just fine. Then close your eyes tight open them up, and step slowly into the room.

Try walking in slowly, "slinking" into his view. If you want, you can take a peek at him, just to see his reaction. Don't take his initial reaction too seriously, unless he looks pissed or upset, more than likely he's just surprised or impressed. Once you're in front of him, try starting with your hip movements. Sway them, circle them, put your whole body into it, just like you practiced. Then start touching yourself like you did in the mirror. Don't hesitate to move around- but not out of his line of sight- turn your body slowly (to show your butt, back, and legs), or get down on the floor- sitting or lying down. If you're afraid to see him, you can close your eyes as long as you continue to show pleasure on your face and in your sounds. But it's best to do your best to keep eye contact with him whenever you can. You may want to get closer to him, where you can simply dance closer, or straddle his legs while he's sitting and start caressing him the way you were caressing yourself, focusing on the head, chest, arms, and back, and occasionally using nails softly. If you want to include kisses, focus those on his ears(if he, like most men, enjoys his earlobes being kissed, licked, or nibbled), his shoulders, neck, and chest. From there on its all you and what you feel comes next.
If he pounces on you halfway through, don't feel bad, feel great- he just couldn't keep his hands off of you. If you try and he doesn't really get into it, don't feel like you failed. Try again another time, or ask him what he thinks or wants. Because remember-and this is very important- while I can give you as many suggestions as possible, the only way things will work out in the end is if you talk to each other. I can give you ideas, but only he knows what he really likes. So take my ideas and try to fit them to you, him, and your relationship.

Remember, don't be afraid. Let yourself feel pretty, feel good, feel sexy, feel wonderful. If your just pretending, its more likely that it'll be harder for him to get into it. Don't be shy. If you have to, pretend you're someone else. For some people, that helps them slip into another role, releasing them of that responsibility of being perfect.
And always, always, always, don't do things that you don't like. If you're not enjoying it, and it's making you feel worse, instead of better, stop, try again, do something else, talk about it- whatever you have to do.

This should be enjoyable for both of you, don't hesitate to focus on making it that way.

I hope I've been of some help and something I've said will help you out.
Good luck and have fun,

~Sin Secret

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

The Many Ways to Play Safe *Part Uno*

On the market today there are lots of different kinds of birth control. It seems that some of the biggest problems with teen pregnancy and the spread of STIs is that not enough people know about them. There just isn't enough actual information (other than in advertisements) about what the options are, what they do, and how to get them.
So here is the first part of my- three part- basic, but slightly complicated list of birth control options available right now. This way, hopefully, more of you will know more and be able to play safer.

Birth Control Pills
(and other Hormonal Methods)

BC comes in all shapes and sizes. From pills to shots to patches to little plastic rings you stick up your crotch, they're all over the place. In some countries, they even have birth control for men- finally! Birth Control works in several ways, depending on what kind you use. Most do three general things;
-prevent sperm from reaching eggs
-prevent eggs from fertilizing
-prevent uterus lining from building up, so if something is fertilized, it cannot attach and grow.
Not to mention all the other add-ons they've been throwing into these things lately. Now BC can fight acne, help you loose weight, or make your skin brighter, its pretty friggin' cool.

Anyway, these are what is called "Hormonal Methods" of birth control, which means that unlike Barrier methods like condoms, caps, and diaphragms, they rely solely on the hormones they give you.
Other kinds of hormonal methods include the ring- like NuvaRing, patches, shots, and even inserts, which are little rods they put under the skin of your arm. These are pretty cool because they last for like five years.
But you have to remember that because these do use hormones, they aren't right for everyone.
I had a roommate who used the NuvaRing for about a month, and was an absolute bitch the entire time. Constantly moody and always rude, she was quick to get rid of the thing. Another friend, Bell- who I will probably mention a lot, hence her pseudonym- was put on like four different kinds of pill one after another because all of them kept giving her mood swings, infections, or what have you. It got to the point where now she doesn't even bother to use it.
But really, BC is worth a shot. I use Yaz and I've never had a problem with it, you just never know. Ask around, ask your doctor, stop by the local clinic, just do it. The last thing anyone needs is an unwanted pregnancy, so do your best to keep it from happening.

*Protection Point* Don't forget that birth control isn't always perfect. Unless you take your pill at EXACTLY the same time EVERY single day, you aren't using it 100% correctly, and it's easy to screw up. Always do you best to take it at the same time and ALWAYS use condoms, even if you use BC. Both as a backup for that extra 1.1% margin of error, and because no hormonal BC prevents STDs. So just be sure.


Condoms are the most accessible form of birth control around. No prescriptions, no pills, no problems.
The main point of condoms is that they catch sperm so it doesn't enter the vagina. No meeting, no pregnancy. They also provide a limited protection from STDs, and they're the only birth control method that does, which is why they're so important.

Guys, never allow yourself to feel that birth control is a girls problem. And girls, never expect a guy to bring a condom. Never, for either of you. Always feel its your responsibility, that way you're always prepared. And really, it is your responsibility either way. Girls, we know it's no fun to have a baby. Boys, the last thing you need right now is some chick from that one night stand months back calling to say she's pregnant. Really, its unnecessary trouble. So keep it from happening. Condoms aren't cheap, I know, but do your best to keep your drawer full of them. Stop by your local clinic or student health center and grab a handful, then problem solved!

On another note, you know how guys always complain that they don't want to use condoms because it "feels different"? Don't fall for it! While condoms can reduce sensation by a tiny bit, it is not worth getting pregnant-or an STI- over. He's probably going to want to have sex with you no matter what, so insist! If you say "Condom or NO sex", he'll probably sulk a bit, but eventually cave.

There are even tons of instructions and videos on how to use them!
Here's a cute British one that includes what to do about foreskin and how to keep the condom from slipping.

*Protection Point* Don't forget that Pre-Cum (the stuff that comes out when I guy gets excited) can have sperm in it! Don't let the penis too close to the vagina until that things wrapped up.

Condoms are also great because they protect a variety of actions. They can- and should- also be used during Oral and Anal sex.
That last part's actually really important. A lot of young people think that because anal sex can't get them pregnant, they don't have to use a condom. They couldn't be any more wrong. Because the (I hate this word) anus is not actually made for sex, it isn' doesn't adapt as well. The vagina is a muscle, the anus isn't. It is also very fragile. Too hard of a push can tear the tissue, and that's how bacteria gets in. Whether it's an STD or HIV, its a whole lot easier to get it through unprotected anal sex than regular intercourse, even if you are gentle. This goes for everyone who has anal sex; heterosexual, homosexual, men, or women.

I think the biggest problem with BC Pills (etc) is that you typically need a prescription to get them. But really, that's not a big deal. Go to the doctor, talk to your mother, stop by the local clinic or Planned Parenthood (which doesn't need parental consent) and ask for it. Typically you shouldn't run into any problems.
Let me know if you do though, I'm curious.


This stuff is- essentially- like pesticide, only it kills sperm instead of bugs. But really, they're the same thing anyway, right? But that's it, really, it kills sperm. Not a lot of explanation needed.
The good thing about it is you can get it in a lubricant- which is very helpful stuff for most- in gels, individual packs, or already on condoms. I like spermicidal condoms because it's sort of like doubling your protection without needing anything extra. And the stuff is pretty damn easy to find. You can get it at most drug stores, sometimes Wal-Mart, and always at Adult stores, so it's not a complicated thing at all.

Spermicide is often used with Diaphragms and Cervical Caps (which we will talk about in the future), to help kill any sperm that gets through the cervical barrier.

*Protection Point* Please! Do not just use Spermicidal lubricant or gel and no condoms. Spermicide does NOT prevent STIs, and it is not even close to a 100% guarantee to prevent pregnancy either.

That's it for now. I hope it is helpful. In the next part we will cover the more female-based products like Cervical Caps, Diaphragms, and Female Condoms. Following that will be whatever's left over, along with those things that it is especially important NOT to use as a contraceptive.

Please, please, please don't forget to leave a comment to tell me what you think of this column, another column, or whatever. Whether its a question (always welcome!), a comment, of a suggestion, I'd love love love to hear from you!

Play Safe!
<3 Sin <3