Wednesday, January 26, 2011

My First Time :: A Question

"KM. said...

What do you think about the first time? Is it really so special that you should only have sex for the first time with someone you're in love with? What if I had a good friend? I love him? As a friend? Haha. I feel like even if I do it the first time with a friend it won't make it any less special when I fall in love...but then I'm 17. Naive."

Hi there Kay!

I'm glad you stopped by the blog and hope you found something useful or interesting there! Sorry I haven't been posting in a long time. Real life has been getting in the way of my online life, and sexuality isn't at the top of my career paths anymore, so I'm trying to work things out before getting back to the blog.

Anyway, to your question. Bare in mind this is a little long and I tend to ramble a lot, so feel free to email be back with any questions, or completely ignore me if I don't make any sense.

To put it simply, your first time is VERY complicated. It is special, but it isn't the most important event of your life. For one thing, I definitely think that you shouldn't go into your first time lightly. If you're thinking about having sex, think hard. Even if it doesn't seem like it, it is a big decision that you will-- in one way or another-- remember forever. The thing is that this could be good or bad.

I'm not one of those people that thinks your virginity is sacred and should be held onto with an iron fist. Obviously, since I write this blog. But I do still think it's a big thing.

I think I'm going to start rambling, so let me tell you my story first. In high school, I dated a guy for about three years. I thought we were completely in love, and I spent pretty much all of my high school life with him. But our relationship was an extremely unhealthy one. He was controlling, and mean, and borderline physically abusive. For most of the relationship I was very unhappy-- even though I thought I was in love and we were good together. Every sexual activity we did was his idea, his desire, his pleasure. I convinced myself that I wanted to do things with him, but inside I was always really unhappy with myself and what we did. When we finally did have sex a little over two years into the relationship-- which, to be honest, is something I don't even remember, now that I'm thinking about it-- I was miserable with the whole experience. I tried to make it "special", and I thought it was what I wanted; what was right for the relationship and for our happiness, but it wasn't. Now, years later, I regret everything about that relationship, and often wish I'd never had to live through it.

But here's the opposite side of that coin; it doesn't really matter now. The fact that I had sex for the first time in the way I did doesn't actually affect my life all that much. I never think about it, and it doesn't bother me. In my particular situation, the relationship bothers me a lot, but the loss of my virginity doesn't at all.

So, having told my lame story, here's what I think you should consider the most; what do you want? Do you want your first time to be with someone you really love and care for? That's always a good thing to aspire to, but not always very practical-- especially since real love isn't easy to come by, and losing your virginity kind of tends to be a little disappointing for girls.

I think your point that "even if I do it the first time with a friend it won't make it any less special when I fall in love" is wonderful and shows that you are anything but naive. Having sex with anyone for the first time is special when you really care about each other, even if it's not your first time ever having sex, so this is a great point.

However, in this case I think you should ask yourself why you want to have sex at all. Is it because you feel pressure to lose your virginity? Or because you're curious? Or is it something your friend wants? Maybe you want to get the whole virginity thing out of the way so you don't feel the pressure later on? I can't really judge any of these reasons, no one can, but it's something you should think about. Are your reasons valid? Will you still feel the same way in a week? A month? When we're young we change a lot and very quickly. Hell, our whole lives we change a lot; I haven't stopped yet. But that makes big decisions like this risky. If your reason a strong and valid one that you'll still think is valid after you've taken the sexual plunge?

The key to your first time is trying to find a situation that you won't regret later. Unfortunately, we never know what we will or won't regret, so that is really really difficult.

If you feel that what you really want is to explore your sexuality with a (very) good friend, and are sure of your desire in this, then it's not wrong for you to go for it. But it has to be what youwant. What makes you happy.

Sexuality is stressful. It's weird and it's complicated and it seems to be everywhere we look and somehow be part of everything we do. What's important is to try to stay above the crazy, the cruel, the unhealthy. To not give into what other people want and other peoples reasons and excuses and assumptions and pressures.

So with this decision, take your time. You have the rest of your life to have sex with whoever you want, but once you've done it once you can't undo it. So make sure that when you do go for it, it's what you really want. Whether it's with a good friend or the love of your life isn't as important as how happy you are when you do it. It should be a positive experience, and letting it be anything less is what you're more likely to regret.

And, of course, the technical stuff; don't forget, when it does happen, to be safe. Nothing ruins your first time like something going horribly wrong (i.e. STDs, pregnancy, etc). Don't believe any silly excuses, like condoms dull the sensation, or he can pull out, or anything like that. My motto is to use a condom every time, every way, no matter what. Just saying.

I hope this has been at least a little bit helpful. Please feel free to contact me any time about stuff like this. I wish you the best of luck and love.

Play safe,