"Anal Ultimatum" Advice Piece

I've been married for just over a month and my husband told me yesterday he doesn't want to have sex with me. We've struggled in the past with getting on the same page sexually, but had been doing well (I thought) thanks to a very romantic honeymoon until about a week ago. We didn't have sex all this week, any time I tried to initiate it he said he had to do something or was tired and just wanted to snuggle, etc. Yesterday he finally told me he has no desire to have sex with me right now. Basically, he's bored with me and has said that anal sex is a deal breaker in our marriage. We have tried anal on many occasions and maybe once or twice it has felt bearable- not GOOD, just not painful to the point where I could tolerate it. I love him and want to make him happy, but me "tolerating" it isn't good enough for him. He wants me to enjoy it and ask for it.
Since we started dating, my husband has tried to encourage me to be more sexually adventurous. I have tried many things that were once outside my comfort zone...some I like, but some I haven't learned to. He was previously married (his wife passed away) and I know they were much more compatible sexually than he and I are, though he says the two of us are more compatible in many other ways. I know he and previous wife went to sex clubs and he wants me to go to one as well...but I'm not comfortable being naked in public or the possibility of having threesome or sex with strangers. I appreciate the fantasy of the idea, but in reality I think it would lead to jealousy and confusion in our realtionship. Despite this, I've suggested that he seek anal sex with another partner because I really want him to be satisfied and have his needs met but he always says he wants to have it with me.
He was aware of all my reservations before we got married, before we got engaged and before we even got serious. His lack of desire and frustration with me makes me feel undesirable and makes me less interested in sex. I also feel like I'll never live up to his previous wife and that he'll always long for the sex life that they shared.
Please cheer me up! I can't talk to any of my friends because I don't want them to know we're having trouble.
~Sad Newlywed

Hey there.

This might sound a little harsh, but it sounds to me like marriage might not have been a great idea for you two. It's not just the sex incompatibility, but more his blatant disrespect for your wants, needs, and likes/dislikes.

I can understand you not wanting to have anal. Its strange, uncomfortable, sometimes painful, and typically only pleasurable for women if it's what they're into. Obviously it's not your thing. He should understand that and respect it and not continue to try to get you to do it.

The fact that him and his wife were compatible and sexually adventurous is great, but he should NOT hold you to the same standards, especially if he knew your opinions before hand.
"W" and I have talked about having a threesome with another woman (because i want to) but he's really uncomfortable with the idea. And while I will probably continue to bring it up for a while, once he makes a decision that he doesn't want to do it than that's it; we just wont do it.
If you're not comfortable with it than you shouldn't be pressured into doing it.

A person who loves, cares for, and respects you will NOT push you into doing something once you've said I'm Not Comfortable or I Don't Like It or I Don't Want To, and that's that.

I will always encourage people to branch out and try new things in their sex lives. But you have to start small, you have to go slow, and everyone has their limits. He's expecting you to do things with him that it probably took time and communication with his old wife to jump into and get used to, without you having the same adjust time as him.

My only real usable advice it to try to get through with him. Tell him what this denial and pressure makes you feel. If he doesn't acknowledge it, let off, or apologize sincerely, you know there's something wrong with the whole thing.

It would really suck to separate after being married for such a short time, but from the way your story sounds it seems like one day that might happen either way. Not because he doesn't want to have sex with you, but because of his disrespect for your wants and the way you're feeling about it. If this is starting so soon, and you're already being hurt (emotionally) by his actions and feeling sexually and emotionally frustrated, imagine what it'll be like in another year or two or five.

The best thing to try here is communication. Be open, honest, and determined!
He has to know that this is important to you and you will not let up (and make sure not to). You don't want to only do anal (if at all), you're not ready for sex clubs or swinging, and you need sexual satisfaction just as much as he does.

It may not seem like it now and then, but these are important stands that you have to make. If he won't back down off his high horse, it might mean you should start thinking about more drastic measures.

Good luck.
Be strong.
Stay safe.
<3
Sin

The Joke of Contraception in Politics. A Plea.

I don't usually talk about politics because, honestly, I don't want to. Politics and religion are the two topics that no one on different sides will ever really be able to discuss rationally, everyone's too goddamned convinced that they're right and everyone else is wrong.

But today I'm going to go against my mini pledge. I'm going to talk about Politics. Just a little bit. Please don't run off scared, because this is important.

I've had the basic idea of John McCain's status on Abstinence Only Education (he's all for it) since I first did research on the elections in the spring. It made me dislike him. But after reading This Article, I started doing some more research into an accusation which seemed far more horrifying than just AOE.

My findings say this: John McCain is AGAINST Sex Education AND Contraception (including Condoms).

Let me say that again. John McCain is AGAINST CONTRACEPTION.
That includes birth control pills, Plan B pills, and CONDOMS!!

Contraception is one of the most important topics of today's society.
Condoms are vital in the prevention of HIV and teen pregnancy, and Birth Control is one of the most issues in Women's Health because it prevents pregnancy as well as aiding in other medical problems.
Contraception and Birth Control is a Basic Medical issue and a basic medical Right! It isn't just sexual health or reproductive rights, it is Women's Health.

But McCain's status on Condoms is that he "isn't sure they really prevent" pregnancy or STDs.
He has voted AGAINST allowing or paying for Contraception every single time he's gotten the chance to.

To a reporter in Iowa, when asked about contraception and HIV (talking mostly about condoms and AIDS in Africa), he said "I’m not informed enough on it."

What??? A Presidential Candidate not INFORMED about one of the most important social issues?
If he's lying to save his own ass, what a horrible way to do it. Just say your against contraception and take your stand. He's supposed to be a "straight talker" who will take on questions and accusations against his issues head on, but he stumbles over contraception??
If he's not lying, and really doesn't know (or care about) contraception, then why the hell would we want him as President?

And that's not the first time he's said that. So many times when asked about contraception issues, he responds with "I don't know...etc". Even going so far as to ask his press secretary what his stance on the issues were!
Do we want a President who doesn't know about these issues?

At another time, when asked about the fact that Viagra is paid for by insurance but birth control isn't (he'd recently voted against a bill that would have birth control paid for along WITH what it pays for now-Viagra), he responded "I certainly do not want to discuss that issue".

Once again, WHAT? He doesn't want to talk about it? How can a Presidential Candidate not want to talk about an important issue? Do we want a president who is uncomfortable with talking about these important issues? He then says that he "doesn't usually duck an issue, but I'll get back to you".
Well we've got more instances where he DID duck that very same issue!

In this case you'd think it'd make perfect sense for any insurance that covers Viagra to cover birth control as well. As if the two weren't completely related to each other.



Today I even discovered an article talking about the new "definition" of Pregnancy. The government has decided to THROW OUT the established MEDICAL definition of pregnancy as beginning at implantation (when an egg attaches to the Uterus lining), and instead adopt the religious PUBLIC OPINION that pregnancy starts at conception (the meeting of the egg and sperm) as the new DEFINITION. This is an attempt at defining any hormonal contraception as ABORTION, which it's NOT! This also goes on to propose a new rule that would allow government funded programs to DENY women BIRTH CONTROL, and any company that didn't hire someone who would REFUSE BIRTH CONTROL to patients would be threatened.

This is just one step closer to outlawing Contraception in the US. Can you believe it?
Abstinence Only is one thing, but these little bitty steps towards completely ANNIHILATING the RIGHTS of women and their HEALTH is getting ridiculous and, frankly, absolutely frightening.

I don't care if your republican, democrat, christian, pro-life, pro-choice, pro-abortion,or pro-abstinence only, you cannot support a complete lack of Contraception and Condoms!

I don't care who you usually vote for, who you're planning on voting for, or why, but PLEASE don't vote for McCain. If you care about health, sexuality, or just WOMEN, PLEASE don't vote for him!
A man who doesn't want to talk about vital health issues and doesn't know enough about contraception to simply answer a question should NOT be allowed to be our entire countries President!

*deep breath*
I can deal with abortion being illegal or Abstinence Only taking over the schools, but if Contraception is banned in the US, or made legally ridiculously hard to get, I'm moving to Canada or England. And for the first time, I'm completely serious.

I can't support a country that doesn't support basic Civil and Women's Health Rights.



(PS: all the hyper linked phrases lead to blogs or news articles explaining the phrase)

Entitled to Sex? or "Fuck Him"; An Unorganized Bit of Theory on Female Evolution

Our society has somehow created a male mentality that they are entitled to sex. That they need it, deserve it, and shouldn't be denied it.

In high school boys only want girls if they'll put out. Once they do, they're used, dirty, slutty. Yet if they don't, they're prudish, teasing bitches. This trend doesn't really end after high school, it just goes on in different ways.

Case in point, my friend G recently tossed a guy who, after less than a few weeks, called her a cunt because she wouldn't have sex with him.

I'm not exactly what you'd call a raging feminist, but there are parts of our society that you can't deny, including the superiority men have had throughout most of our "civilized" history.

One of the worst products of that superiority, it seems to me, is the male viewpoint that sex is their right. I have no idea how this really came about, but it is one of the top things I blame for high incidences of rape as well as the Madonna-Whore idea, and women's inability to be sexually equal to men.

We have created every aspect of male mentality. Every sexual thing men think, we as a society have put there. We've taught men that they should be hunters. Why? More than likely, any primal society would have had both men and women hunters because everyone would have had to be put to work. Yet this mentality that men have to be in control is still there, because our past societies have put it there. Then there's the idea that men NEED sex, we put it there! Men don't need sex any more than women do, but we've given them this huge gap of logic when it comes to this area. Why?

There's no denying that women have different sex drives than men nowadays, but maybe that's society's fault too?

Perhaps women have been dealt the low hand in evolution. Maybe once upon a time women were as sexually active as any man standing next to them, because they got the same strong, evident urges as men do now, and were pleasured just as easily, were considered just as sexual.

When the more dominant patriarchal societies came along, and got more and more powerful, our sexuality became less needed. Over time as women were more and more often considered sexual objects instead of sexual beings (even, and especially, in religiously dominated societies such as the Christian Europe and Muslim Middle East), we had less and less use of our sexual pleasures, and evolution gave up on us.
While men continued to grow sexually, women were stunted. Sexual pleasure was no longer a value to women, it was a deformity, it became a liability and Mother Nature said "Well, if you don't want it..." and now women (while we still have sex, want it, and enjoy it) just aren't to par with male sexuality.
Part of that is in our mentality, yes, just like mens sexuality has been warped with myths about needed and deserving sex, ours has been tainted with thoughts of immorality and romance over sexuality. But that mental stunting wouldn't change so much of our physical inadequacies, would it?

Think I'm wrong about the inequality?
It could take a woman up to an hour to have a single orgasm, and not even through intercourse, while it takes most men ten minutes. I'm not saying the ridiculous stereotypes of women not needing or enjoying sex like men do are true, but there is a definite unbalance between the two which I think wasn't always there.

No matter how much we strive to own our sexuality. To love our bodies and take hold of our own orgasms, we've still been dealt the short stick.

FYI, we made 1327 hits in June!

The Art of Self Lovin

Currently Reading: Guide To Getting It On!

This is part two of my Self Gratification Trilogy. You may want to head back to part one, Does God Really Kill Kittens? If not, on with the show!

Quick Disclaimer: Many links in this post lead to more sexually graphic sites with nudity and realistic sexual products. While I work hard to keep Sin's Secret PG-13, some links have more R/NC-17 images. I am not responsible if you find a link or product you feel is inappropriate. Just FYI.

May is National Masturbation Month!
Let's take advantage of this time to focus on Self Gratification; what it is, how it's done, and what's so awesome of it!

The dictionary defines masturbation as:

1.	the stimulation or manipulation of one's own genitals, esp. to orgasm; sexual self-gratification.

Fun fun fun.

Masturbation is really just getting yourself "off" sexually, whether by means of your hand, an inanimate object (such as a candle, etc), an adult toy (i.e. a vibrator or sleeve), or sometimes another persons hand (although that's no quite masturbation any more).

As I said in Part 1, masturbation has a pretty bad rep. It's seen as gross, pathetic, and desperate, which is how it's usually portrayed in movies and television. It gives the idea that you wouldn't have to masturbate if you could get anything different, and treated like a loser's alternative to sex.

That is so far from the truth. Personally, I've been in a relationship for almost 8 months now, and a month hasn't gone by where I didn't masturbate at least twice. Even my boyfriend admits to masturbating every now and then. It's actually especially helpful when we want our sexual activities to last a little longer, because finishing first without my help can help prolong his performance.
Really, people have to acknowledge and understand the idea that masturbation isn't just a pathetic release. It is healthy, safe, STD and Heartbreak free, and can be done any time you want (although I will assert that it is rude to do it anywhere that is not private, unless those around you are okay with you doing it).

Being that it is National Masturbation Month, lets use this sequel post to go over some of the techniques of masturbation.

Once I started the techniques for women, I just couldn't stop writing. I'll try to trim it down, but I might have to turn this into a quartet....>.< (and yes, the product images link back to a site you can buy them at)


Masturbation techniques for women:

It's a common misconception that women don't masturbate. That it's a boy thing and girls don't like (or need) sex or sexual pleasure "the way guys do". I'll talk about this more in Part 2/3, for now lets get on to the fun parts.

There are all kinds of ways to "get yourself off". The two basics, using your hands (and maybe lubricant to make everything slippery and easy), are just that; basic, stepping stones to bigger and better things.
So lets get started (we won't finish yet). We'll just do two basic ones for each gender here, and continue on in part 2.

*The Faucet Method.
This was my first experience with masturbation. You can interpret that however you'd like, but it was. After having the horrible suspicion that something was sexually wrong with me, I scoured the world wide web for techniques to...try myself out, and "practice" my sexuality. (I actually had to tell myself I was "practicing", so I didn't feel like I was actually masturbating, because that would have been shameful, even though nobody knew or anything)
This involves you, your clitoris, and a bathtub.

Start out by laying in your bathtub (long ways), with your legs over the short edge, or up against the wall (a great stretching technique, btw), your hips positioned so your pubic area is right below the faucet.
This can be a bit frustrating or uncomfortable at first, but it gets better and easier as you adjust.

Turn on the water.
Now, if you're a beginnger, or have an especially sensitive clitoris or vaginal area (for example, Bell claims to not really be able to do this because she's so sensitive), you may want to start the water on really low, or position yourself so that the water is hitting the area between your inner thigh and other labia (lip), and raise the pressure as or move yourself as you adjust.

Temperature wise, I typically start with warm water or hot water (be very careful if you're not used to too much heat; I love the heat), then raise it for a while before adding in cold- because after a while the temperature doesn't really matter, all you can feel is the sensation. And hopefully those sensations will be fantastic.

Just keep yourself there and adjust the water and your position as feelings grow and change.
Before I started using a vibrator (and for a while after as well), this was my favorite form of masturbation. I love the warmth and the feeling.

(This can also be done with a detachable shower head. And it's much more comfy. Those things rock.

*Foreign Objects.
This is really my broad term for the use of any foreign object (physical object, not like...literature or porn) to stimulate the "pleasure spots". The most popular items are dildos and vibrators. (But I've heard of women using crazy stuff from candles to cucumbers, beer bottles to cell phones, Popsicles to teddy bears to lobsters. Yeah, I said lobsters. You don't want to know.

Anyway. I've tried dildos and vibrators (like the Power Bullet-my review), and as I've said, vibrators are my favorite. I just don't get internal stimulation like most people. Vibrator provide gentle to strong sensations of pulses, waves, and constant buzzing to your clitoris to create stimulation and cause orgasm. You put it there, move it around, and orgasm. (although it tends to be more difficult than that) Sounds simple, right?

Then there are the other clitoral stimulation toys. Such as the Clit Massager over there. These use different sensations to stimulate the clitoris, such as sucking motions. Tends to try to stimulate oral sex. I've never used one, but this one on the side is totally on my wish list.

Dildos tend to be a bit more complicated, but yet also much more simple. It's just a stick used either to rub along the clitoris or insert into the vagina for vaginal and g-spot stimulation. The insertion form pretty much aims to simulate the act of sex itself, using the dildo as a substitute for the penis. So typically you insert it, and move it with a circular or thrusting motion. Often used mostly to push against the "g-spot" for that particular type of orgasm.
You'll often find vibrating dildos, which combine the shapes, devices, and uses of vibrators and dildos. Much better, to me, than a plain dildo.
Then there are also the step up from the vibrating dildo; the Rabbit. There are all kinds of rabbits now, especially due to a popularity boom after their appearance on Sex & The City a few years back. There are penis shaped dildos with a rabbit shaped vibrator attached to the top; often with many speeds, functions, and little add ons like spinning heads, vibrating beads around the middle, and little ears to get both sides of your clitoris. I've got a more detailed post on the Wascally Wabbit Vibe here.

Masturbation techniques for men:

Unfortunately for men, there's essentially only one basic and typical form of masturbation for men. Pretty much that just involves stroking the penis until orgasm. This is most often called "Jacking Off", which is a term I'm not particularly fond of, but whatever.

*Basic Hand Technique
This is pretty much how every guy who masturbates masturbates. At least, as far as I've been able to tell.
This involves the man cupping this hand around his penis and thrusting it back and forth. Lubricant can be used, along with some kind of barrier to keep from making a mess, but that's about it.

For those few guys who haven't masturbated- I doubt there's any reading this, but hey, I'll go into it anyway- this happens by gripping your penis fully, and stroking yourself back and forth. The idea is to imitate the way the penis thrusts in and out of the vagina.

I wish there was more I could say about this, but I don't know enough guys to really have gone into depth about the process of male masturbation. Sorry.
But there is a really interesting (and sexually graphic, so watch out!) site with different strokes, positions, etc for guys. But watch out, it is really graphic, 18+ please.

*Masturbation Sleeves

These are strange (yet absolutely ingenious) devices created to mimic the feel and function of a vagina, and often the sucking sensation of oral sex.

There's a picture (w/ link) of a very basic one to the right there; just a plastic tube that's tight at the entrance, and (i believe) ridged inside to provide sensation. With this you just insert your penis and pump it back and forth, much like you would do with your hand, but with a more sexually realistic feeling.
Below there's another one that's more complex, made of silicone with lots of ridges, bumps, textures, and areas of tightness. This one is the same, insert penis and thrust.

Then there are vibrating ones, more realistic ones that actually look like vaginas. Novelty ones like Pussy In a Can are popular too, and you can sometimes get them at stores like Spencer's. There are curved ones, jelly ones, electric ones, anal ones, and even some to imitate oral sex. I told you, they're pretty ingenious.

To be continued....

That's all for now. Please leave a comment with some feedback and ideas, I'm really a bit brain dead on this subject and I'd really like to write the things that you want to hear about.



Related Posts: Does God Really Kill Kittens?, Adult Product of the Week- Wabbit,

Coming Soon to a Blog Near You...

Currently Reading: The Harlequin by Laurell K. Hamilton


Most Recent Poll Results:

What do YOU Want to Talk About???

Sex! (duh...don't click this one....)	5 (16%)
Protection & Contraception	2 (6%)
Sexual Harassment	0 (0%)
Positions, Techniques, Tips, Etc.	12 (40%)
The History Of Sex	6 (20%)
Masturbation	17 (56%)
One Night Stands	6 (20%)
Abortion	1 (3%)
Homosexuality	5 (16%)
Anal/Oral (Please comment w/ specifics)	5 (16%)
BDSM	4 (13%)
Other (please comment w/ specifics)	1 (3%)

So that means future posts for the moment will focus on...

Masturbation (Thats this months theme, being National Masturbation Month)

Positions, Techniques, Tips, etc (This is slightly covered by the Position of the Week, but I'm working to both improve those posts, as well as get more tips/techniques available. This would be much easier if people would send me questions or-maybe- ideas)

And future articles for the less requested ones like BDSM, Anal/Oral, History, and Homosexuality.

It makes me kind of sad that Contraception got only 2 votes. Oh well. It's not like I'm not going to talk about it anyway.

So now I'm taking that poll down and replacing it. With the next Many Ways to Play Safe I'll take down the contraception poll as well.

Tonight or tomorrow I'll have the new Position of the Week, so make sure to check back. I'm hoping to start including a new concept in them, I'll see you then.

Untitled Paper on Homosexuality

Currently Reading: THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF A LONDON CALL GIRL by Belle De Jour
(Click the title to view Amazon's information page)

For my Human Sexuality course, I was told to write a paper on homosexuality. Not really any parameters, just to write it. This is what I ended up turning in. I just wanted to share.

A homosexual, by social definition, is a person who is sexually or romantically attracted to someone of the same sex. Homosexuality has pretty much been around in one way or another since the dawn of man. But yet, for a very very very long time it has been considered a huge controversy. Especially in patriarchy-based societies that have history of monotheistic, “God” based religions. And especially in today's society where much of the common sense filled world wishes to, god forbid!, give them rights just like every other human being.

A lot of the controversy lies in the basis that god doesn't want people to be gay. That gay people go to hell. And while, personally, I think if someone's going to hell it's their business and no one else's, many of these religions insist on bugging those people about the fact that they're going to hell. As if it were their job to speak for “God”.

When it comes to homosexuals, I think that any love is great love, and any (safe and consensual) sex can be great (safe and consensual) sex. I think what helps that positive view on homosexuality is the fact that I am often attracted to girls. I've never had a girlfriend, and enjoy men and sex with them, I don't think I would ever be against having a girlfriend. My current boyfriend and I even had a discussion once about having a threesome. Not to spice up our sex life or so to fulfill some fantasy of his, he actually was uncomfortable with it. The idea was to have it for me, so I could see what it was like to be with a girl, without really going outside the relationship, so we could share the experience. May sound odd, but it made sense at the time. It never happened, but we still talk about it sometimes.

But really, I think I want to tell one story. It will probably take up a lot of space/time. But I like this story, and the theory that I came up with because of it, so I'll stick to it.

I once called this “Comparing lesbians to vegetables? What kind of Feminist am I?”

After moving to North Carolina as a kid, I grew up in one of those places where “gay” is either an insult or an whispered word. And if it's actually true, it isn't talked about. I didn't know what a homosexual person was until middle school. Even then, you didn't talk about it. What's more taboo than sex in a Bible Belt town that probably unanimously protested the civil rights movement and Roe v. Wade? Gay sex, of course.

In debates and arguments in my high school I was constantly on the opposite side of just about everybody else. We had, probably, about one token gay guy every three or four years, and I was pretty much the only budding atheist out of all the people I knew until my senior year. During this particular argument on homosexuality, this guy insisted that gay people choose to be gay. Hm. The example I gave the boy was a comparison of food. Hence my paper's title.

If you don't like broccoli, you can't help it. You didn't just wake up one day and say “You know what, broccoli sucks. I'm sticking to carrots. Broccoli's stupid. I hate broccoli.” You simply try broccoli for the first time, and think it's gross, and don't like it. You didn't choose to not like it. In the future, your tastes might change, but typically, the dislike lasts. As an adult you may choose to eat broccoli anyways, but that doesn't mean you like it. In some cases, you might have a reason to or to not like broccoli. Maybe your mother made it every single day and you grew to hate it even though you didn't before. Or maybe a kid stuck a piece up your nose and you had to go to the ER and so you could never eat broccoli again. Either way, your feelings did change, but you still didn't have a choice in the matter. No matter the situation, your genes, breeding, circumstance, and taste buds did all the deciding for you.

In my opinion, homosexuality can be something like that. There are very definite parallels in the ideas. It is highly unlikely that one day a person wakes up and says “From now on I'm going to be gay. Yes, that sounds nifty.” It doesn't happen. People don't choose to like men instead of women, or vise versa. Like with veggies, someone may choose to act on their homosexual- or heterosexual, for that matter- emotions or attractions, but they didn't choose for those attractions to be there in the first place. And in some cases the way a child is brought up can affect their sexual attractions in the future, but that isn't the case very often. Though they are currently looking into the idea of a “gay gene”, all that would do is further prove that people don't choose to be gay, it's just the way they are.

One of the things this boy was trying to also push along with the idea of gay people choosing to be gay, was the idea that straight people choose to be straight. Now this, this was just silly. My quick, annoyed, angry response was something along the lines of “You only want to think that you choose to be straight because you are a young, white, christian male who wants to believe that you are choosing to live by your religion's ideals.” Although, being my state at the time and my lack of conversation skills, it was probably a bit less eloquent than that.

Either way, the argument got me nowhere, and the ingrained propaganda my classmates lived by remained the same. The sad, horrifying fact is that people rarely really bother to try to understand the things they fear or are taught are wrong. They don't try to understand them, or even accept them in many cases. The military's "don't ask don't tell" policy is one that is followed by so much of our society. It's sad and it's unfair. I was simply the one who argued all the time. I hate being that person. But sometimes, that's just who I am. I'm an intelligent, pro-choice, anti-Abstinence Only, possibly bi-sexual, semi-atheist feminist who argues a lot. And I compare gay people to vegetables. ...Hi.

Related Posts: The Sex Taboo