Thursday, July 3, 2008

"Breaking up is hard to do..." An Advice Piece

I slept with my ex cause I felt lonely and depressed. and I broke down halfway while having sex.
I'd just like to know
What would he be thinking about.. Cause he's not replying my messages. Would he be ok? He's a typical guy, doesn't really know what to do when a girl cries.

What can I do to help myself. I'm in pretty bad shape.
I was just hoping that you might've been in this situation before. Could you help me out?


Hey there Alexis. You picked the right day to ask me this. I've been there, I am there, and I'm there with you all the way.
Breakups are miserable, especially the ones you just can't seem to get over.

Lets start with what you said happened.
Somehow you got your ex into bed (or vice-versa), and halfway through you broke down. I assume this is because you miss him so much, or in general your still broken up about the whole thing.

So, first off, how did he react initially? Did he stop? Ask what was wrong? Console you? Or did he stop and leave you alone? Or even not stop at all? Did he even notice?
The answer to that is the start of your answer on what he's thinking (which is hard to answer since it's practically impossible to really know). If he didn't stop, or at least try to make you feel better, it's likely he really is done with you. If he tried to make you feel better, at least you know he still has a kind feelings towards you.

But maybe you freaked him out a little, I mean, you did start crying. If you didn't (or maybe even if you did) tell him why, who knows what he might be thinking, he's the only one who could really tell you.
Maybe a good idea (if he's not answering your phone calls or messages) is to just apologize without a response. Send him an email and say your sorry if you freaked him out, you've just been going through a lot of shit and you broke down. Tell him you'd like to know how he feels and what he's thinking, but that he doesn't have to
reply if he doesn't want to. Then that's about all you can do. You can't force him to talk to you.

Then there's the hard part. Getting over an ex is practically never ever easy. Especially if they broke up with you during an intense relationship. First and most importantly you have to stop thinking about him. This could be the hardest part of absolutely anything, but it's only the start. Here are a few steps you can try.

*Do you ever make up situations in your head about running into him somewhere, him calling or coming to find you? Just imaginary fantasies about the two of you? If you do, STOP. I do this all the time and after a while it becomes a habit. Whenever you find yourself doing it, focus on something else. It's very important. If they're sexual fantasies, you should stop them too. In the future you can use him to fantasize again, but for now you can't. If you continue to think about or hope to see him, you'll never be able to get him out of your head.

*Stop calling, texting, communicating with him, as well as looking at his online pages (facebook, myspace, blogs, whatever). Even if you're still friends or whatever, resist the urge to contact him or look up his stuff. Just for now.

*Make sure you've thrown away all the useless sentimental items he gave you. I don't mean jewelry, books, or cookware, but the fake flowers, stuffed animals, and the little things like pictures that make you think of him, but don't really need to be in your home/room. (This can include ripping them to pieces or burning them-but be careful)

*Start a new project. Whether it's a story, or a painting, a new recipe book or a website, start something new that will take time and occupy your mind for a while. This will keep your mind off of him and give yo
u the feeling of being busy, productive and useful. After my worst breakup I started an Altered Book to vent my misery and then eventually get over it.

*Get active. Whether its working out at a gym or dancing in front of the TV to the music channels, do something that keeps you energized and away from sulking miserably in a corner. Being physically active can keep those woeful feelings at bay.

*Accept what happened and start again. This is a step that can take time (and money) but is best done as soon as you think you're ready.
-Go out and buy a new bath set. Something inexpensive, but really nice, with bath salts, scented soap, oils, a candle or two, body scrub, a loofa, whatever. Maybe even some semi-expensive chocolates.
-When you're ready, have a good cry. I mean a good, long "I'll never love anyone as much as him and how could he hurt me so much and I hate myself and will never recover" cry. Even if it means taking one last look at those memory-inducing pictures and hugging that stuffed animal he got you at the fair/coin machine. Really; you deserve it. Cry until you can't cry anymore, just don't wake the neighbors.
-Think about what happened, what went wrong. Accept that you're hurt and you hate him for it, but then accept that it is over and there's nothing you can do about it. Accept that it will take time to fully heal. Also think about the fact that if he hurt you like this now, he'd probably do it again, so you probably wouldn't really want him back, right? You might want to cry some more after this.

-Now, go take a bath. A nice warm bath with salts, oils, loofas, chocolate, whatever! Anything you want. Turn the lights low, if you can, and wash yourself completely. Scrub everywhere gently but accurately. Imagine that you are washing away the pain. The hurtful parts of your past. Washing away the negative thoughts of him and your past. Try your best not to cry during this, but don't hold it in if you really have to. If you do cry, imagine your tears are your love, being washed away like everything else.
This might sound a bit weird and "New-Agey", but there's no reason why you shouldn't give it a try. The time after a breakup is a very emotional time, and this step is simply an attempt at controlling some of those emotions. It might not help completely but, in my experience, it can help a lot; it's a new beginning.

-Once your done, dry off completely and put on something soft and comfortable. Not silky or sexy; we want romance out of the brain. Now do something quiet, soothing, or productive. Read a brand new book that has nothing to do with romance, sex, or your past. Cook something simple and light. Have a cup of tea (not coffee unless its decaf) or hot chocolate and watch something
new. Meditate. Or just go to sleep. This should be a time for you to do something by yourself for yourself. Sleep and let the night help you forget for a little while.

*Finally, GO OUT! When you're ready, going out with friends is one of the most important things you can do. Go to a new restaurant, a club, a bowling alley, amusement park, the beach, anything! Just get out of the house and do something fun and active and with someone that cares about you. (Under no circumstances are you to go out with your ex! Nor going somewhere where he'll be, at least not for a few more months
While you're out, SMILE! Laugh, flirt, dance, jump up and down, do everything that keeps your heart light and pleasant and re-energizes your mind and body.

That's all for now, I hope I helped in some way.
Good luck to you, don't hesitate to ask anything else.

Be safe, be happy

Related Posts: Advice To an Over-Blow-jobbed Wife, "You Want to Take a Hot Bath, He Wants To Jack Off...", Sexy Lady Advice


Alexis-Marie said...

oH THank You so Much.. i'm gonna go try it out. ALL OF THEM. lol except the chocolate bath.. :)

It sounds so exciting when you read it off the blog. My friends have been telling me stuff like that. But it looks better here.
And. I slept with this ex.... cause I missed someone else.. not cause I miss him :P

But it's still the same.

sIGH, Relationships these days are just so complex

OH! I got a new job last month. That helped too :P

And.... I'm going to college now. I got accepted last Thursday. I can't wait for a fresh start. I really can't

Thank you so much

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