Thursday, June 5, 2008

ABCs of Sex

Currently Reading :: Sex and Sensibility

Thank you to Bell (her new personal blog is HERE, by the way) for her ABC idea. She tried to get me to do it a month ago, but completely forgot until she did her own. <3>

A. A is for Apple.
I could have chosen Ass, Anal, or Asphyxiation, but no, I chose apple.
The Original Sin.
The crucial piece of evidence against poor, beautiful, sacred Eve.
A historical image of the mixture of nature and sex.
Crisp, delicious, and bright, sexy breezer red.


B.
B is for Boobs.
These joyous orbs of love have been a symbol of sexiness for more years than just about any sex symbol, and in all those years men have given life, limb, gold, and gods to ogle them, feel them, taste, tease, and squeeze them, and made them an endless source of pain, pleasure, and annoyance to women everywhere.

C. C is for Clitoris.
And condom. And cock.
But lets stick to the important one.
The clitoris is the female sex organ that runs underneath the sides of the labia and up out of the tip, and (all together) is about the size of the average penis.
Bet you didn't know that.
This luv nub has one purpose and one purpose only; to create pleasure for the body it resides in.

D. D is for Dildo.
And Dick.
But their pretty much the same thing.
The great thing about a dildo is that it works just as well (if not better) than any dick out there, and doesn't have the asshole attached to it (read however ye will). The downfall, however, is that it can't cuddle with you or buy you expensive shit.

E. E is for Erection.
Useful for late night booty calls, not for early morning biology classes.
Fun to play with, occasionally fun to look at, and supposedly feels like "having an extra finger stretched out in your pants, taking the best feeling stretch in the world."
Whatever.
Erection=(masturbation X coming)^2

F. F is for Fuck.
Once was the only "curse" word I refused to say. I had this theory about it being the only curse word that actually began as a bad word (versus bitch, ass, and damn, which were their own words first), so it was the only one that shouldn't be said.
But then I changed my mind.
Is now my favorite word. (Right next to Quixotic)
Has a beautiful, harsh, sharp sound to it.
Mmmm...fuck....

G. G is for Geisha.
Beautiful images of the East, these represent both the beauty of female sensuality, and the traps of masculine rule.
Not the Asian whores we tend to classify them as, geisha were meant to be the perfect woman.
Quiet, beautiful, mysterious, and subservient.
Sex was not normally involved (until a certain point), but they were meant to be everything the men they served wanted.
Serving them, laughing at their jokes, praising them.
The stuff real women wouldn't do, so the guys have to pay for it.
Much like todays hookers, who men go to for their kinks.

H. H is for Hell.
This is apparently where I'm going.
I told my mother recently that I think one of her very christian friends hates me, and she said "No, I think she's just worried for your eternal soul."
But eternity is a very long time. And if I'm going to burn in it forever anyways, I might as well enjoy what I've got while I'm not tiptoeing over the flames.
But don't get me wrong, religion is very important for us stupid little mortals.
I, myself, am very religious, very spiritual.
You need something to have faith in. To believe in wholeheartedly. To follow brainlessly. To always defend and never really think about. To justify your prejudices with. To kill people for.
That's what religion gives you. That special something to believe in.
I believe...
in love.
Love is all you need.

I. I is for Innocence.
That imaginary attribute that people put so much value into.
Most modern girls hold onto their "virtue" for dear dear life.
While boys leave theirs in the dust as soon as possible.
Unfortunately, statistically, this can't work quite right unless that female virtue is lost one way or another.
Usually another, involving coercion and heartbreak.
This is typically accepted.


J. J is for Jizz.
......eeww.
Never mind.

K. K is for Kisses.
The most average, simple, and acceptable form of sexual expression.
A small motion made with your mouth.
That's it.
You kiss your friends. You kiss your siblings. You kiss your children. You kiss your parents. You kiss your lovers.
But hopefully not in the same way...

L. L is for Lesbian.
A woman who is attracted to and has sex with other women (exclusively).
While some choose the definition of a woman who ever has sex/ is attracted to women as a lesbian, I say it's only the ones who only like women, and not men. To me sexuality is lucid, so I keep to my own definitions.
Anyway.
Almost every man's fantasy; watching two girls have make out.
Why?
Who the fuck knows.

M. M is for Masturbation.
Self Love.
Jacking Off.
Jerking Off.
Wacking Off.
Jilling Off.
But really, haven't we've talked about that enough this month....

N. N is for Night.
Nighttime has often been associated with mystery, sin, and sex.
Nighttime is fun time, and nowadays all the best things happen at night.
Usually.
Even taco bell is open later to accommodate us night owls.
Usually, sexual activities occur at night.
But it's definitely not limited to it, not in the least.

O. O is for Orgy.
The more the merrier.
I actually only personally know a few people who have orgies, and sadly they're all old, semi-loser pseudo hippies, and I'd never want to see them naked.
But people fantasize about it all the time.
As if one lover to please wasn't hard enough.

P. P is for Porn.
Anal. Oral. Bondage. Rape. Orgy. Lesbian. Dick. Cunt. Pussy.
Hot. Squirting. Massive. Kinky. Throbbing. Barely Legal.
Combine any two or more of these nouns and adjectives, and you've got yourself a porn title/description.
I was once aroused by certain rough pornos and hentai, but that went away after a batch of really really really bad ones. Now they don't interest me at all.
But that doesn't stop the rest of the world.

Q. Q is for Queer.
The term (usually derogatory) used in reference to gay men.
Not women, they don't get the cool sounding word.
Also goes along with Queen, as in Drag Queen.
I suppose.
Queer guys are usually fun, adorable (even if more through personality than appearance), and know more about fashion and fun than you do.
But that's just the stereotype; it can't be close to true.
Right?


R. R is for Rough.
Some like it hot, some like it rough.
From bondage to sadism to asphyxiation to domination.
Whatever floats your boat.

Tie me up, pin me down.
Scratch my back, bite my neck.
Rule me.
Excite me.
Collar me.
Spank me.
As long as you
Like me.


S. S is for....me!
No. Really.
S is for Secret.
Throughout much of average people's lives, sex and their sexual activity is kept a secret.
From quickies in the bedroom while the 'rents are watching TV,
to hookers during a lunch hour,
to hiding your homosexuality,
lying about where you were last night,
and a keeping a secret closest full of sadomasochistic play equipment.
Unfortunately society makes us keep our sexual expression under wraps.
Silent.
Secret.
Safe.

T. T is for Testicles.
Like the boobs, testicles are jiggly little orbs of sex.
Unlike the boobs, they are rarely any fun to look at.
Often, however, they are fun to play with, if you're in the mood.
Creates and holds the sperm that will one day end up in a tube sock, napkin, condom, rectum, or some woman's baby oven.

U. U is for Uterus.
Which is actually a pretty scary word.
Female sex organ where babies grow.
I heard a joke once about how men spend nine months getting out of the vagina(/uterus), and the rest of their lives trying to get back in it.
Not much else to say about this.
Gets really fucking big when a womans pregnant.

V. V is for Vibrator.
The fun toys of the sex world made specifically for women's sex spots (and men's too sometimes).
Used mostly for the clitoris nowadays, with special ones shaped for the G-Spot, these are my favorite bedtime accessory.
No need for men. No need for time.
Just put this thing anywhere near your vagina (or anus/perenium for you guys) and your ready to go.
Plus, if you ladies can't orgasm during intercourse, try rubbing this one around on yourself during intercourse.
You wont have problems for long.

W. W is for Wedding.
For many many years, this was the first time most women would have sex.
Which is kind of sad, when you think about it.
This has been made throughout history to be the goal of womens life, and the end of mens.
Women, even today, spend their whole lives searching for "Mr. Right".
Or as Sex & the City has called him, "Mr. Big.
It's also sparked lots of controversy when it comes to gay marriage.
But really, how silly can you get? There is no logical reason for gay people not to get married.
I have little desire to get married.
It's a romantic gesture, and provides some interesting legal rights,
but really, it's unnecessary.

X. X is for X-Rated.
This was once the highest content rating a movie could get.
It pretty much meant that a movie was inappropriate for children.
Since the 90's its been replaced by the NC-17 rating, and is no longer actually used in the US,
while porn has inherited it for their shock value.
I like NC-17 movies better.

Y. Y is for "Yaz"
I didn't do a letter for condoms or contraception, so lets cover it real quick here.
Yaz is the birth control pill that I use.
I like it, and so far it's worked (I also always use condoms).
Yaz is one of many many many many many different brands and kinds of hormonal birth control.
You should try one.
I always stress the importance of contraception.
So here.
This is me stressing it.

Z. Z is for
...
you didn't really expect me to come up with a sex word for Z, did you?


Sorry I've been so out of it lately. I just haven't felt like writing, so I haven't. But being that I just got a new (real) job, and have been really busy, and I don't actually get paid for this blog, I think I deserve a week of laziness. I'll try to catch up quick though, so keep checking back for new stuff.

3 comments:

JuiceMag said...

Hahah nice try! I really admire her time coming up with the ABC! Good Job :D

StevanPierce said...

Great job on the ABCs!

Staci Rose said...

Z is for Zzzzzz
The snooze you require after a sexual workout! ;)